The Problem with Diet Soda

At work, we have various beverages that we can snag for free from our floor's fridge. There's usually Coke, Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, and water. Lately, they've also been adding Sprite and Mountain Dew. I take these free drinks as a sign from the company that they appreciate us and that they don't want us to be dehydrated.

When I'm not on the diet, I drink one to two sweet nectars of the gods daily. Coke is delicious, and I might marry it if it were legal in the lower 48.

However, when I am on the diet, my choices are limited. I'm trying to drink water more regularly, but I just want some kind of soft drink taste in my mouth from time to time, and so I find myself reaching for Diet Coke. This tends to be a bad idea, because the drink should have the slogan, "For something that tastes as bad as random debris from the Tijuana dump, at least it has zero calories."

However, as I walk back to my desk, I feel ashamed. I feel like people are looking at me and saying, "Oh, look at him; he's overweight. If he's drinking diet, I surmise that he has trouble fitting through doors."

Now, being a normal member of the human race, I'm not real big on feeling ashamed or having my ability to fit through doors questioned, so I tried to think of a way that I could get zero calories AND not feel badly about doing so.

I'd like to announce, I've come up with an invention. It's called, the Can Cover. With this device, I could walk over to the fridge, grab a Diet Coke, and then quickly cover the can with the can cover so that people would think that I was drinking something else.

I will come up with different designs, from the normal "Coke" cover, to designs a little more exotic, like, "Johnny's Kentucky Bourbon" or "Pig's Blood."

Therefore, if people were to talk about me as I passed by, their comments would change from, "I bet he can't fit through doors" to "I didn't even know we had bourbon in the fridge."

And I will smile, knowing that I have hoodwinked the best and the brightest of my generation.