New Elevators

My company has spent the last six months paying people to redo our elevators. They have just finished the first half, and now we get to use the newly refurbished elevators whilst they redo the other half.

The new elevators are pretty cool. The insides are a beautiful combination of steel and wood, as if the elevator were trying to say, "I am the best of both outside and inside, here to shuttle you between floors at your leisure."

However, there is something kind of ... off about the new elevators, and it has to do with the voice. You see, the elevator now has a female's electronic voice telling us what floor we're stopping at, presumably to keep us from the incredibly tiring and trying task of having to look at the digital display of the floor number. But, the way the voice says it is questionable. It comes out, "Eighth floor," where "Eighth" is equal to a very normal way of saying the word, and "floor" comes out as it the elevator were saying, "Though you're a human and I'm a device, I'm almost positive that we could make attractive offspring if we tried."

This is disconcerting for several reasons, and one of the big ones is that due to the fact that I'm in a relationship, I don't find myself getting hit on very much, and so this machine is pushing me much further past my alotted number of "being hit ons" for the month. I can only assume that this will end in the unspeakable battle between my girlfriend and the elevator, which, frankly, sounds more like a title of a children's book than the climactic battle for my companionship, but I'll take what I can get.

Disclaimer: I don't know if she were going to write about this, and if she were, she should just tell me and I will delete this insipid post and allow all of you to marvel at her beautifully structured prose.

Disclaimer 2: If the "were"s in the previous sentence were incorrect grammatically, I would very much like to be advised of this, as I think that they are the subjunctive tense, which is supposed to be used specifically for hypothetical situations. That sentence is as confusing as poo with them, but I can't bring myself to change them to "was" because I think it would be incorrect grammatically. Mandy?

Disclaimer 3: Disclaimer 1 was written because I was going to include a conversation that I had with Red in this post, but later opted out of it. I should, then, therefore, remove all three of these disclaimers, but I will leave them as a monument to my own futility.