Under

In the show that I'm in, to ward off the unhappiness of having to work on Christmas and Christmas Eve, most of the cast has put their names into a "Secret Santa" gift exchange. We can get as many gifts for the person as we want, but we will give out the big gift in between the shows on Christmas Eve.

Everyone put four or five things that they were interested in down on a piece of paper, and each of us drew those papers from a hat. The fellow that I randomly chose put down, among other things, underwear as an interest.

So I, an XL underwear wearer, went into Macy's this evening, and perused the tightie-whitie section in search of something in a medium. When I found the appropriate item (or, inappropriate item, as it were), I waited until there weren't very many people in line, and then I made my break for it, because, let's be honest, when you're buying underwear that is obviously not suited for you, you don't want to showcase it.

When it was my turn to pay, in a gesture that I only later realized was uncomfortable, I asked for a gift receipt. So, not only was I buying underwear that obviously didn't fit me, I was buying somewhat scandalous underwear as a gift. For apparently another man.

And that, children, is just about the gayest I have ever been. I'll be waiting for my ID card in the mail.

#10 - Top 13 Items to Get for Me

A Sledgehammer.

For smashing things like my ipod, laptop, head, and anything else that doesn't seem like it wants to cooperate with me this holiday season.

#11 - Top 13 Thing You Should Buy Me

I Heart Huckabees

I can't tell you how many time in the last few weeks I have said to myself, "Man, I wish I were watching "i heart huckabees." And now, gentle folks, you could make this dream a reality.

Actually, this poster to the left is pretty cool too, if you want to get me that.

No pressure.

#12 - Top 13 Things You Should Buy Me

Handmade Nintendo Bedspreads

I'm just saying, giant mushroom attacks are getting to be quite common where I live, so having Mario protect me all night would be a great relief.

#13 - Top 13 Things You Should Buy Me

The Cubix Lamp

Quite frankly, this lamp is where form and function meet awesome. All the individual wooden squares are movable, so you position them based on how much light you need.

Oh, also, despite the title, please also feel free not to buy these things for me, as I suspect that they'll all be pretty expensive. But if you're rich, and you're letting your money go to waste in "retirement plans" or "smart investments," then, well, feel free to buy away. I'll be sure to return the favor. *Wink*

Rotten

I have one knuckle (the larger of the two knuckles on my right ring finger) that is especialy dry. While the rest of my hands seem to have a sufficient amount of moisture to keep them from flaking and bleeding, that one knuckle seems to have missed the train to moisturizing-ville.

Odd. Very odd.

Pronounce

Scene: A dressing room, prior to a show, with a group of guys assembled to play cards.

Me: So, I call this game nuclear Uno, but I prefer to call it nuke-a-ler.

He: Is that like when people mean to say library and they say library?

*And there was much laughter in the dressing room*

Comeuppance

Before I get to what I want to write about today, let me explain something that's in vogue in football this year. If it is late in the game, and a team is about to kick a field goal that would help them tie the game or to win it, it has been very popular for the coach on the opposing team to call a timeout at the last possible moment. This usually means that the kicker of the first team has already had an opportunity to kick the ball, and so the idea is that having to kick the ball again will make that kicker be flustered, and perhaps miss the field goal. This is known as "icing" the kicker.

One of the first times that this happened this year was a game between the Oakland Raiders and the Denver Broncos. The kicker for the Raiders set up to kick a 51 or 52 yard field goal (which is just about as long as field goals tend to be kicked), and the play got going, and the ball made it through the uprights. It looked like the Raiders had won, until everybody on the field realized that Mike Shanahan, the coach for the Broncos, had called a time out just prior to the snapping of the ball, so the kick didn't count. The play was set up again, but on the subsequent attempt, the kicker missed the very long field goal, and the Raiders lost the game.

Before I proceed, let me say that I dislike both of these teams anyways just by virtue of the fact that they are in the same division as my San Diego Chargers, so it helps my team do well (ie, advance to the playoffs) when they do poorly. Further, I tend to dislike the Raiders more than the Broncos mostly because their fans are notorious for starting fights at games, getting obnoxiously drunk, and, in general, tending to not be very nice people. Nevertheless, when I saw Shanahan do what he did, I realized that I had a new team in the division to spend my time hating on. You may also draw from this that I, yes, even I, felt sorry for the Raiders. You see, they were an underdog in that game, and, as long as it doesn't affect my team, I like to see the underdog win; it tends to make the game more compelling.

Aside: the "icing" of the kicker is a fairly volatile point in the NFL this year, and there is a lot of talk that they will probably make a rule prohibiting it in subsequent seasons. Some people continue to laud it, by saying that it makes good strategic sense to win by whatever is legally allowed in the rules. To me, it just seems cheap. End of aside.

So, I said all that to say that the Broncos and the Raiders met again yesterday on the field, and the Raiders defeated the Broncos pretty handily, 34-20. And I, even though I dislike the Raiders, smiled for their victory.

Overheard

As I was walking downtown on my way to a late night at the office the other day, I ended up walking by a young and attractive couple, who fairly obviously spoke English as their first language. The following is a snippet of the conversation that I overheard:

Guy: So, I think I'm going to turn over a new leaf at work.

Girl: What?

Guy: I'm going to turn over a new leaf at work.

Girl: "I'm going to turn over a new leaf?" What does that mean?

That's right, folks, you read it correctly. This young woman didn't understand the antiquated expression "turn over a new leaf."

Conclusion: If you are an attractive woman, you can be as dumb as you want, and still be reasonably successful.

Conclusion 2: I wish I were an attractive woman. Stupid XY chromosome.