My Health Insurance Can Cram It with Walnuts, Ugly

A few weeks ago, I received an unsolicited piece of mail from my insurer, that said, in effect, "Your doctor tells us you're fat. If you would consider losing some weight, you would probably live longer. Give us a call at this number, and we'll tell you a couple of ways you can be less fat, fatty."

While their logic is impeccable, this is the sort of thing that can leave you weeping softly into your napkin for longer than you'd care to admit and then all of a sudden it's Wednesday, and work's on the phone asking where you've been and telling you where you can go, but you can't even stand to talk to them because you're too involved in eating a jar of Goober Grape using a Snickers bar as a spoon while sitting in a lawn chair in the bed of your grandfather's El Camino in a supermarket parking lot while reflecting on your glory days of high school football.* Why won't Tim McGraw love me?**

With that in mind, you can imagine how happy it made me to find another unsolicited piece of mail from them yesterday. Nevertheless, I needed to open it because, well, I wouldn't put another peanut butter and jelly fueled rampage past me right now. Fortunately, I found this one hilarious. Here's one of the paragraphs verbatim (bolding theirs):

"Our team of nurses has made several attempts to reach you by telephone to introduce you to this personalized, confidential and voluntary program. According to our files, you can be reached at the following number: (no telephone number on file). If the phone number listed is wrong, please give us a call so we can update our records. If this number is correct, you can still call today to begin taking advantage of this valuable program."

Where do I begin? How are these nurses making several attempts to call me if they don't have a phone number for me on record? Are they picking up the phone, not dialing and expecting me to answer? Why do they give me the option of claiming that the phone number is correct if it is obviously NOT EVEN A PHONE NUMBER? They even bolded this fact! Why would I want to give my phone number to a group that seems to like to just insult me? Why is my insurance company so shady that it apparently DOES NOT HAVE MY NUMBER ON FILE?

In any case, I had a good laugh at this, just like I did at your face.***

*The part of that that involved Goober Grape, Snickers, and an El Camino actually happened in high school once. Believe it or not, I actually had a worse idea in regards to food at that supermarket, and it involved the epiphany that it would be a good idea to buy and consume a bottle of honey. You know, one of those containers that's shaped like a bear? Yeah, that was a bad idea.
**Varsity Blues reference. Look it up.
***Probably the most inappropriate comment in this post, possibly on this entire site. If you have any problems with it, give me a call (see my number above).