Friday, August 21, 2009

Doctor Feel Good? or This Post Is Rated PG-13

I went to a specialist yesterday. You see, I have an indentation on my right shin-bone (that's tibia to you dorks out there) that seems like it has been slowly growing since high school. It doesn't hurt at all, but my mind can't seem to help thinking about the possibility of me going out for a run, only to have my tibia shatter like so many glass bottles against so many heads of so many heroes of so many western movies in so many bar fights.

I went to my primary care physician (or PCP to you druggies out there) last year and told him about this (because at the time I was watching a lot of House, and it seemed like it was always the mundane detail that the patient neglected to bring up that made that patient lose their life/leg/face). He felt around on my leg and looked perplexed. Then he said, "Well, let's get you an x-ray to see if we can't figure this out."

I got my x-rays (in January 2009), and then at my last doctor's appointment (in August 2009), he reviewed the pictures. Given that there is a large hole in my leg bone, you would think that it would be easy to see on an x-ray. I can why you're not a doctor.

He pulls up the picture on the screen, and looks at it and then looks at the other one, and, sure enough, there is nothing to be seen. So he sends me to the specialist I referenced earlier, because the next step, in his opinion, would be an MRI, and only the specialist can order that procedure. I had my appointment yesterday.

My time at the specialist's office started off with them taking my weight. The scale is around the corner from the nurse's station; despite the name, a good number of doctors hang out there also. As I couldn't be seen by the staff, I overheard the following exchange:

Male Doctor 1 - Looks like you got a package in the mail.
Male Doctor 2 - Must be that [sex toy typically used by women]* I ordered.
Every other doctor and nurse in the area - SHHHHHHH!!!!!

This calm and professional environment really put me at ease, so you can imagine my surprise when they took my blood pressure a few minutes later and it was higher than normal. I made some excuse about how I've had coffee that morning, and that is what it was chalked up to.

I wait for a few minutes until the doctor comes in. She seemed like a nice lady. That is, it seemed like she was a nice lady up until she laughed.

Now, I consider myself a student of the human experience, and I have found that when people are in friendly conversation, they may chuckle for one to three seconds either nervously or in an effort to be polite. But this lady laughed for a good ten to fifteen seconds at a time.

I don't believe I am exaggerating at all when I claim that this was the most AWKWARD EXPERIENCE IN MY YOUNG LIFE.

Why, you may ask? Well, her laugh was very similar to Janice's on Friends. I submit the following clip as exhibit A.

Except it went on for ten to fifteen seconds.

Here is a clip from our conversation:

Doctor - So your blood pressure is high and I notice you're sweating.
AC - Yeah, it's a little warm in here.
Doctor - Sure, and I bet it's a little nerve-wracking to come to a new doctor.
AC - (Trying to be friendly) Well, you've been pretty far.
AC - (Chuckling politely)
AC - (Chuckling politely and looking Doctor in the eye to ascertain just what is going on here)
AC - (Trying to chuckle politely, yet wanting desperately to shoot himself in the face to get away from this insane laughter, but, having no weapon, opts instead to look at the floor)
Doctor - HAHAHAHAHA! So, I don't know what's wrong with your leg. I'll measure the indentation, and then you can make an appointment to come back and we'll see if it has grown. Does that sound like a good plan?
AC - (Thankful the aural assault has concluded, and not wanting to set her off again) Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

And the whole thing repeats again.

I did not make a follow-up appointment, and I don't know that I will. It's a real horse race in my mind between coming back and letting my shin shatter. I'm just saying a wheel chair is looking real good about now.

*I couldn't bring myself to type it. I guess that's why I'll never write for Larry David. Also, it's why this post isn't rated R.


Mama V said...

Wow. Seriously?... That VERY awkward to say the least! Did she think SHE was just very funny (considering you were holding back the humor intentionally)? I wonder how she got through med school! Honestly! You'd think someone would be kind enough in her residency or SOMETHING and tell her what was and was not appropriate bedside manner!

Now, I don't know why I chose to watch that clip moments before I am trying to go to sleep for the night... that laugh is now resonating with in my ear! :P

Christie said...

Oh man, AC! Talk about your worst nightmare come true. Yikes! I'm with you on not going back to that one. And double yikes about the doctors' conversation. Why? Why? Does anyone know??