A friend, an acquaintance, and I are currently involved in an eating contest of sorts, except that this is the sort of eating contest where everybody tries to eat as little as possible without dying. That's right, we're in a weight-loss contest, the winner of which will be chauffeured to Las Vegas and will not have to pay for his room. In this way, we are looking to recoup the weight we have lost over the next couple months during the course of one delicious weekend (I have already told the wife that after Easter, we are going to go around and purchase all of the Cadbury Cream Eggs that are on sale, and then on May 15 [which is both my birthday and the end of the contest] we are going to eat them; I think she thought I was kidding [boy, is she in for a chocolatey, egg-like surprise!]).
Because my friend and I are/were involved in sports, we definitely have some trash-talking going on, via email or text message. This trash-talking normally involves mentioning something we think the other person would find delicious, in an effort to get them to trip up and eat it. Here is one of my favorite conversations so far:
Me: I am already down 50 lbs. I cut off my leg. Is self-mutilation outside the realm of this contest?
He: I on the other hand have taken to some oriental philosophies in that I will be losing all my weight by doing nothing. Mind over matter. I can destroy my fat with my mind.
Me: Mmmm...7 layer burrito and a baja chalupa from Taco Bell...Tell you what, friend, the Taco Bell's on me.
He: Haha. If only I liked such slop...I'm up to two shots of wheat grass and a cup of rice today. I feel like I splurged a little, but hey, it's almost Friday. I figured I could treat myself to a big meal.
Me: Two shots of wheat grass and a cup of rice! Luxury! I am surviving off of licking the dumpster behind whole foods!
He: Haha! Amateur!
There are plenty of other text messages that say things along the lines of "You guys had better just give up now." Some time in the next couple days, I am looking forward to sending out the old beauty "You'll lose a lot more calories crying in the corner when I have defeated you than you did over the whole contest."
When my wife looks over these messages, she is pretty horrified at how mean we can be (in the name of having a good [read: bad] time). What can I say? Boys are mean. That's how we do.
6 hours ago