Wednesday, September 20, 2006

An Analysis of Self-Worth in Regards to Human Relations, AKA Blatant Navel-Gazing Starring AC as the Village Idiot

People like me as a person, or, as the gf recently mused, as an abstract concept. I measure this by the fact that when I see people that I haven't seen in a while, I am greeting more often by smiles than I am by pitchforks. I realize that in this sort of measurement, there is the possibility for great error, but, what can I say, I'm an optimist.

However, the more that I think about why people like me, the less I understand it. The primary point of confusion for me that I don't understand how people get over is that I am horrible, horrible at conversations.

Now, this doesn't mean that I say horrible things, at least not on a consistant basis. If you are around, and I know that you are of, say, a different creed than I am, I will likely go out of my way to not say anything offensive about it. However, sometimes I forget who I'm talking to, and my results are less than dignified.

Consider this snippet from a conversation that I was having last week. The players in the scene are myself, the gf, and two friends. The setting is a trendy dessert restaurant. The conversation thus far has been about various topics, but at this moment, we are discussing Martha Stewart.

The GF: I like her. She's my hero.
Friend 1: All of the things that she does are so creative!
The GF: She is creative, and yet she still has time to make her house spotless.
Me: Maybe if she would have spent a little less time on crafts she wouldn't have ended up divorced.
*Slight, but awkward pause in conversation*
Friend 2: What's wrong with being divorced?

In between the cold sweat and the string of profanities now running through my head, it is at this point in the conversation that I realize that my comment is, at best, a tangent, and that both Friend 1 and Friend 2 are semi-recently divorced. This is also the point that I start to feel a slight pain below the belt but above my knees that generally only happens when I see photos of gruesome accidents.

Because that's what I turned the conversation into: a gruesome accident.

Luckily, the conversation moved on, and I believe that no long term feelings were hurt, but that conversation put this thought of why are people my friends if I'm bad at conversation in my head which I have been mulling around ever since.

I feel that it is important to note that I don't really have anything against people who have gone through a divorce; in fact, I tend to have a lot of empathy for those who have gone through a divorce, especially the ones who have been blindsided by one. I simply saw an opportunity to take a cheap shot at a celebrity (because that's how I roll), and I took it to obviously disastrous results.

So, my advice to friends of AC is RUN AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK!

Should you decide to stick around, I'll see you tomorrow, at which point you will again be regaled by my brilliant observations on the human condition. If not, thanks for the memories.

2 comments:

superaustin said...

I know the feeling. I have a tendency to just start spouting what I think are jokes, then think about who I'm saying them to later. Often, there's a little wince when I realize that some people take seriously that which I take lightly.

Never fear, AC. There's still a lot there to like. I know I grin like a fool when I know you'll be around.

Also, how many awkward "I haven't seen you in five years" conversations did you have at the wedding this weekend? I myself had loads.

Analyst Catalyst said...

I did have a few of those conversations, but more than that I was usually tuned into where I wanted to go, so I had the physical excuse to say, "Well, I'd love to chat, but I'm next at the buffet."