Wednesday, September 13, 2006

An Open Letter to BMG Music

Dear Sir or Madam,

In my younger and more vulnerable years (aka earlier this year), I decided that it was finally the time to give a music club a shot. Liking both music and clubs, BMG Music Club seemed like a natural choice.

In addition, I was looking to expand my broadway musical cds collection, and your assertion that I could get 12 cds for the price of one seemed like an extraordinary offer. I carefully read the documentation, and it looked like there were no strings attached, other than having to pay shipping for each cd.

So, I signed up, and I received my 12 cds for the price of one.

Life was good. I had enriched my collection without having to empty my bank account. Plus, I got to be in the club. I never received word about a secret hand shake, but I assumed that this was just because you were busy.

However, something funny started happening. I received an additional cd that I had not requested with a note that read, you can either pay us for this cd or you can send it back to us. The note that gave me this information also said that if the packaging that I needed to open to see this note was unopened, you would pay to have it shipped back to them.

Touche, BMG. Touche.

So I, questioning why I should be loyal to a club that would have me as a member, sent this cd back to you with a tersely written note that expressed my extreme displeasure with this service, and requested that A) you remove me from the club, and B) you change my mailing address. I was planning on moving, and I wanted to avoid the events that might transpire from correspondance going to the wrong place.

I spent the next few days relaxing and thinking about how glad I was that I narrowly averted that crisis.

But you, BMG, you had another trick or two up your sleeves.

On the day before I was set to move, I received another cd. I was livid, but I didn't have the time necessary to go to the post office, and, in the haste of packing, the cd ended up in a box that was then moved to my new apartment. The cd remains in that box to this day.

A month later, I received a forwarded letter that contained an invoice that had been sent to my old address saying that you would remove me from your club (that wasn't much fun to be in, I must say), but that I needed to pay for the cd that I kept. As I am not a fan of just about any music that came from the 80's, you can imagine my pleasure at looking at the statement and realizing that I had managed to purchase a $26 dollar cd entitled "80's Gold."

What I found humorous about this was that you had only honored one of my requests in my letter. You took me out of your club, but you did not update my address. I can only assume that this is due to the fact that your business shadily makes money on late fees by sending invoices to incorrect addresses.

Shame on you, BMG. Shame on you. My conclusion is that your business is made up of vikings whose only goal is to pillage and plunder unsuspecting club members.

It is for these reasons that I, in a brazen act of futility, wrote on the memo line of your check, "For Cleverly Foiling Me." In a similar act of futility, please notice that you also got the Supergirl stamp, because, really, who likes Supergirl as a super hero?

And so, in conclusion, BMG, please accept my humble offering of $28.80 as my little way of saying, "*$#&$*%&#%&!& you, you @#$#&$*@#&%@%&, in addition to the horse you rode in on."

Yours forever faithfully and truly (though not in a club kind of way),


miss thany said...

Ooohhh, Supergirl Stamp. That's salt in the wound.
Well played AC, you are a cunning genius.

superaustin said...

I think I've joined, quit, then rejoined BMG like four or five times in my lifetime. I am currently enrolled in the Columbia House DVD program for what I believe is the second time.

I'd quit them if they gave me the option on their website.

Clubs are for suckers, AC. Unless they involve secret hideouts. Otherwise, for suckers.

Analyst Catalyst said...

Thany, a-thank you. I thought that stamp was very appropriate.

Superaustin, they make it kind of hard to quit. At least BMG doesn't provide a phone number to call on the statements, and I think that I couldn't find one online, but I might be making that up.

Julie_Gong said...

That is why I have two Tracey Champman - New Beginning cds. I hate the music club. But the deal is so very hard to pass up.

Analyst Catalyst said...

They, like the incredibly delicious monte carlo sandwich, are very hard to pass up indeed.

Should music clubs ever find out a way to work in deep fried foodstuffs into the equation, I may as well just have my wages direct deposited into their account.