Friday, September 29, 2006

The Problem with Diet Soda

At work, we have various beverages that we can snag for free from our floor's fridge. There's usually Coke, Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, and water. Lately, they've also been adding Sprite and Mountain Dew. I take these free drinks as a sign from the company that they appreciate us and that they don't want us to be dehydrated.

When I'm not on the diet, I drink one to two sweet nectars of the gods daily. Coke is delicious, and I might marry it if it were legal in the lower 48.

However, when I am on the diet, my choices are limited. I'm trying to drink water more regularly, but I just want some kind of soft drink taste in my mouth from time to time, and so I find myself reaching for Diet Coke. This tends to be a bad idea, because the drink should have the slogan, "For something that tastes as bad as random debris from the Tijuana dump, at least it has zero calories."

However, as I walk back to my desk, I feel ashamed. I feel like people are looking at me and saying, "Oh, look at him; he's overweight. If he's drinking diet, I surmise that he has trouble fitting through doors."

Now, being a normal member of the human race, I'm not real big on feeling ashamed or having my ability to fit through doors questioned, so I tried to think of a way that I could get zero calories AND not feel badly about doing so.

I'd like to announce, I've come up with an invention. It's called, the Can Cover. With this device, I could walk over to the fridge, grab a Diet Coke, and then quickly cover the can with the can cover so that people would think that I was drinking something else.

I will come up with different designs, from the normal "Coke" cover, to designs a little more exotic, like, "Johnny's Kentucky Bourbon" or "Pig's Blood."

Therefore, if people were to talk about me as I passed by, their comments would change from, "I bet he can't fit through doors" to "I didn't even know we had bourbon in the fridge."

And I will smile, knowing that I have hoodwinked the best and the brightest of my generation.


superaustin said...

I am a proud and constant Diet Coke drinker. I have actually gotten to the point where I look forward to the taste. If 10 years ago you had asked my 15 year-old self if this would ever occur, he would have spit in your eye. But occur it did and I have no remorse.

I do have a suggestion. This doesn't really help you at work at all, but in your off-hours, you might try Coca-Cola Zero. It doesn't totally taste like regular coke, but it's pretty damn close. Really, it tastes like Tab, which is pretty darned good anyway. As further recommendation, my notoriously finicky younger brother actually liked Coke Zero. If you asked him, though, he might still spit in your eye. He's kind of a jerk sometimes.

Analyst Catalyst said...

Actually, I have tried, and I do quite enjoy Coke Zero, as well as Sprite Zero.

I find that in my off-work hours, I need to mix up my low or zero calorie drinks so my mouth feels satisfied. So, last time we went to the store, we picked up Diet Sunkist, Fresca, and Minute Maid Lite Cherry Lime Aid (which has ten calories a can, but that's fairly negligible in the grand scheme of things).

Oh, and if Little P. spits in my eye, I may have to spit back. He's been warned.

superaustin said...

I totally know about the mixing up the diet beverages. Diet Sunkist really is one of the best, but I also enjoy Diet Barq's Root Beer as well as Diet Berries & Cream Dr. Pepper. Diet Mountain Dew is pretty good, but I was stopped once by a fellow at the grocery store who insisted that despite being sugar free, that particular beverage will do a number on your teeth. He claimed his father was a dentist so that's how he knew.

I bought it anyway. Who cares about teeth?

Also, don't know if you're a green tea fan, but there's a lipton diet citrus green tea (or something thereabouts) that I really like.

And I'll go ahead and warn Little P but I should warn you, I think half the reason he does the spitting in the first place is for the retalliation. Kid gets off on the strangest stuff.