Wednesday, August 16, 2006

An Open Letter to my Digestive System

Dear Digestive Tract,

We've had a good run. We've had some good times, and some bad times; some high times, and some low times.

Lately, though, it seems that something has changed between us. While I don't know for sure, and while I am very hesitant to point any fingers, I suspect that you are trying to off me.

It seems that when I eat lately, you are syphoning off all of the acids, and leaving them at the top of my stomach. Therefore, when I am anything other than vertical, these fluids are sent to party up in my esophagus, or as dictionary dot com would have me believe, my gullet.

I'm not down with that, or with anything else messing with my gullet.

Since you have pretty obviously tried to declare war on me, I respond with the only thing I can: combat the acid with bases.

But, digestive system, there's only so much baking soda I can eat, and the whole volcano effect is cool at first, but it gets really lame to keep cleaning it up.

Please please please please please let us go back to the simpler time when I would feed you and you would return the favor by merely digesting what I had given you.

I love you, stomach, and I don't want to have to get rid of you, but you are leaving me few options. Either the acid goes, or you go.

Your Dearest Darling AC


Thany said...

Maybe your stomach thinks its kind of goofy to refer to yoursef as "dearest darling"

Not that I think that, I am just speaking for your innards.

Analyst Catalyst said...

I just have to differentiate for my stomach. I was speaking from the dearest darling persona, as opposed to the persona that feeds itself thumbtacks.

I don't think my stomach would respond well to that one.