Dear Sirs and/or Madams,
I am an actor and I would like to be involved in one of your productions. Unfortunately, the only show that I've seen audition information for lately was The Wiz, and as I (as I have mentioned here and here) do not consider myself much of a dancer, I didn't think that it was likely that I'd get into that show.
Also, I'm not African American, which may have also played a part in my not thinking I could get in.
What I am good at, besides acting, is yard work, shaving, and eradicating foes.
Therefore, I would like to propose a trade: you give me a little part, I'll do a little yard work. You give me a medium sized part, and I will shave your head or, I guess, your back so long as you don't look like a wookie. You give me a big part, and you can consider your foes vanquished. My only request is that you supply the napalm.
Please consider my offer sincerely as I'm sure that I will have to break at least one of the commandments in order to fulfill my obligation to the above contract, which violates my ethical code.
You can reach me at analystcatalyst at gmail dot com. I am awaiting your offers.
With love and kisses,
2 hours ago