Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Mitch Hedberg

The man was a very, very funny man. For lack of anything better to post today, I will include a few of my favorites from the link on the right. His lines are all either non-sequiters or absurd applications of logic, so if you don't get them, laugh anyway, because they're funny.

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."

I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."

I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was...

Mitch Hedberg passed away last year, which is a shame because he was dang funny.

Oh, and about the lack of original content today, sorry about that. Nothing funny happened. In fact, today was the opposite of Mitch Hedberg...very unfunny.


:: mandy :: said...

your blog is my dirty secret. that is, reading your blog during work is my dirty secret, so i thank you for being the provider of my guilty pleasures.

only today i would ask that you stick with only mildly funny content as i started laughing out loud at the mitch hedberg quotes. you almost blew my cover! i had to come up with something like, "oh, one of the alumni & college people that i'm relating to said something of humorous content. that was a polite academic chuckle you heard."

actually, one of my coworkers manages all of the unethics of the office so i really did not lie in that way. but if you keep writing funny things, it might come to that...

Analyst Catalyst said...

THAT is what is funny. A polite academic chuckle...that made me laugh out loud.