Monday, March 27, 2006

An Open Letter to Politicians

Dear those running for public office,

Good for you! Congratulations! You have truly chosen a noble profession, and I hope that you find it fulfilling.

Now I need to get to the heart of the matter. Why is it that in your commercials, after the entire commercial has shown you speaking, you end it by saying, "This message is approved by [insert name of politician who has been speaking the whole time]"? Are you afraid that a you shaped automaton will say that your platform includes raising taxes and eating babies? Or are you disconcerted because you know that you like to hit the sauce a little too much, and you wouldn't put it past yourself to make a drunken campaign commercial about how your political ideal was embodied in the person of Randy "Duke" Cunningham? Or perhaps it's a little of both.

Now therefore, as these are the only two ideas that have presented themselves to me and as I have to go make a burrito run, you politicians must then either be Scientologists or raving alcoholics. If you are scientologists, shouldn't your platform be more about getting Tom Cruise to stop being such a crazy man? And if you are alcoholics, haven't you fallen asleep by this portion of the post?

In conclusion, it just seems to me that your talents would be spent in other areas that obviously mean more to you. I realize that this may be harsh, but it's better that you hear it from me now, than that you sit dejected on election night hearing that a robot you has just won the election on the baby eating platform. Take it from your old pal, AC, just follow your heart, and you'll be okay.

Love, your friend,

Analyst Catalyst

P.s.: If you're interested in a political candidate that I could actually get behind, go here.


Chris said...

I would vote for Christopher Walken in a heart beat no matter what he was running for. Christopher Walken for World Bank President? Sounds good to me.

The gf said...

That's funny that you'd vote for him as president. I always think he is really freaky. In fact he is on my top ten list of people's faces that I would never want to see in a dark alley. But, I mean, yeah, all freakiness aside, sure, vote for him.