Blogger Might Post Now

First, I really like Blogger, especially as a free service, and so I will not complain about the outages. I can only hope that they can get whatever the problem is that has been keeping just about everyone from posting worked out so that it can continue to be a wonderful resource to bloggers around the world.

Secondly, if you're looking to infuriate me, here are three easy steps.

1) Be a customer of our company since 2003.

2) Receive all of the email and hard copies of the invoices we have been sending you since that time, and

3) In June of 2006, ask me to re-email you all of your invoices.

Let me give some backstory. Normally when customers request invoices, they only want a month or two, and so although the process of emailing is kind of tedious and time consuming, it's over relatively quickly. It should be noted that because of how the different programs inter-relate on our work computers, it's very difficult to do anything else regarding my job during the time that I am emailing the invoices, making requests for emailed invoices the work equivalent of a traffic jam, only I don't have anything to honk. Well, I guess I could honk something, but I think that that would just be inappropriate for work. (What? I keep a clown horn at my desk. What are you thinking about, sicko?)

So, when you multiply the slight irritation and discomfort of emailing one invoice by about, oh, forty or so, it kind of makes me want to shoot myself in the face. And while this might not seem like, in the long run, it would make a big difference to the customer, I am sure that I would still get calls demanding invoices, and then I'd be like, "I'd like to get that out for you, but I can't. I SHOT MYSELF IN THE FACE."

Now that all of you know how to infuriate me, I can only expect that it will occur more frequently. It was probably not a good idea to post my Achilles' heel in so public of a place. Hmm...I can only hope most of you reading this don't fall under rule number 1 above.

Also, and entirely unrelatedly, I should add that I get to sing the National Anthem for an alternate league baseball team this evening. It should be noted that they are not paying, but I do receive free tickets to the game.

Free tickets?!?! Can life get better? I submit that it cannot.

So, if any of you are in the San Diego area tonight, you should swing by Tony Gwynn Stadium for the San Diego Surf Dawgs game. Come on down! It'll be a hoot!

A Friend

My friend who used to write the blog, "The Martyrdom of Saint Me" has been, due to some harassment from a review site's readers, chosen to delete his blog.

It makes me profoundly sad that losery folks who can barely manage to string sentences together without the use of profanity have such apparent great power over their idiot minions that they can run a hilarious blog off of the internet.

That is all.

This Morning

Everybody has little routines that start their days. Some people sing in the shower, or on their way to work. Some people (all right, a lot of people) stop at Starbucks every morning. Other people begin their day with meditation and prayer.

I, myself, do all of those things, though not necessarily every day. But something that I do find myself doing that I am finding is apparently part of my morning routine takes place when I actually get into the building that I work in.

Well, the elevator actually.

Nearly every morning I enter the elevator with a couple of other people who work on different floors than I do. From this, comes my routine.

As we are all going up, I try to find mathematical ways to link the numbers of the floors together. I understand that this makes me nerdy beyond reasonable comprehension.

For instance, I work on the eighth floor. If someone were to get on going to the second floor and another person were to get on going to the fourth floor, I would be a happy camper, because it's obvious that 2 x 4 = 8.

It gets a little bit more complex if more than three or four different floors are selected, but sometimes even three can be troublesome. For instance, this morning, someone was going to 2, the gf and I were going to 8, and someone else was going to 16. Great! 8 x 2 = 16! Success! It's a joyous way to start the morning.

However, when the guy got off on 2, someone else got in and he wanted to go to the 13th floor. Now, children, there is not really a good way that 8, 13, and 16 go together. If you need further proof of this, please consult my other blog, achelpswithconversationalmath.blogspot.com. Now, if the new guy would have gone to floor twelve, I would have been happy, because then all the floors would be multiples of four, but no, he decided that he had to be difficult.

Some of you will inevitably ask the question, "I get what you're saying, AC, but I don't see how you can count this as part of your morning routine."

My answer? I would agree with you except for the fact that this happening or not happening affects my mood. It affects it very slightly, but it affects it nonetheless. If, for instance, the gf and I are the only ones in the elevator, and there is therefore only one floor selected, I find myself disappointed that I don't get to play my little game. Conversely, if there are too many people on the elevator, so that there is not an easily definable answer to my little game, I leave the elevator frustrated, and I'm sure I take it out on my customers.

Like this morning, I am miffed and had to write about it.

Do any of you play any little nerd games with yourself like I do?

Two Things

Firstly, I was thinking about why I posted what I posted yesterday. It was obviously harsh, but why did I post it?

Frankly, I'm not sure. The only thing that comes to mind is that when you spend four years of your life getting invested in at a college, you also invest, to various degrees, in the institution itself. The college I went to is, and will always be, a part of who I am and who I am becoming.

I think that the biggest reason I have for having written it is just because of the above: when you invest who you are in something, you sort of hope that it will stick around for a while. I guess it just hurts me to see it, in my opinion, so poorly managed.

But like I said, maybe I just don't get it.

And as far as the second thing...I think I'm just going to have to go with another post as it doesn't go with what I've written here at all.

Clown College

I found out yesterday that the new President of the college that I graduated from has been fired after only having the position for a year.

This poses two hypothetical situations about the school. One is that it almost seems like the Chancellor (who is really the man with the power, if we're all going to be honest about it) has it in for the school, and that he would like to see it fail. It's either that, or else he thinks that the administration of a college is like a magic potion; one can keep adding ingredients and the new ingredients will eventually overpower the mistakes of the older ones.

Now, while that might work for magic potions, I'm pretty sure that's a good way to ruin a recipe for food. (Hmm...that's a little too much garlic...what can I use to fix that?...how about two pounds of butter...mmm...these are going to be the best hot dogs ever!)

In my opinion, I feel like the perpetual lack of a central, strong, leading figure at my alma mater (other than the chancellor [aka pastor of the church] who has threatened to fire staff members who speak poorly about him for what has happened) is going to lead to its ruination.

I understand that several students who were set to return are already planning on transferring, due largely to this issue. While that may not seem like a huge deal, when your school only has several hundred students, losing several is a large chunk of revenue, and not having enough money is the biggest problem that the school faces.

But, I suppose that I am pretty far removed from the situation. Perhaps, as Judas sings in Godspell, it's all for the best. I can't help but have my doubts, though.

And, I'm Back in San Diego

And yet, somehow, there was less fanfare than I thought there would be upon my arrival. No trumpets were blaring, and no tinker tape was thrown at me from high above as I drove to my apartment last night. The only thing that I received was a sense of the inevitability of work.

Oh well; another day, another dollar, as they say. However, as I'm earning that dollar, I find myself more and more intrigued at what got done and what didn't get done while I was away. This almost makes a guy feel important. Well, it does up until he realizes that the company existed before him and will likely continue to exist after him.

But, for right now at least, I've caught a glimpse of being important. Perhaps my work is my fanfare, and I simply do not know how to hear the joyous melodies in general, and it is only in being gone that I come to appreciate them.

If that's not depressing, I don't know what is.

Analyst Catalyst: A Great Fisherman, or the Greatest Fisherman?

I had the excellent opportunity to go fishing last night, and I came away with either three or four fish depending on whom you speak with. If you count a fish biting on the line of a pole that I was holding while someone else was baiting my hook, then I had four. If you don't, then I had three. If you're still having problems with the math, you should consider consulting my other blog: achelpswithconversationalmath.blogspot.com.

One of the most peculiar phenomena that I have experienced out here in Minnesota, and one that I was particularly aware of last night, is that the sun doesn't go down at a reasonable time. For instance, in San Diego, it usually gets dark around six or seven o'clock, depending on daylight savings time. However, in Minnesota, it doesn't get dark until ten at night!

What? Who decided that that was a good idea? Although, in thinking about it right now, it makes this just about a perfect vacation spot in that the mosquitoes tend to attack at dusk, and so the longer days give all of us more mosquito free time.

Of course, I could have just stayed in Southern California and not had to worry about any mosquitoes at all, but that's a different story... :-)

But back to fishing, for the first three hours or so, there was nary a bite. However, just as the sun was about to go down, everybody on the boat seemed to be able to catch fish after fish, and by that I mean, of course, that I was able to catch fish after fish, which is what prompts the question at the title of this post.

I guess only history will tell who the greatest is, but I will tell you this: the fishes were delicious.

Minnesota: The Land of 10,000 Mosquitoes, er, Lakes

All right, so I have been in the great state of Minnesota since Saturday, and I have only seen 32 of the 10,000 lakes, and that includes some "lakes" that are very questionable ("lakes" that are primarily five foot by five foot and I think more used for rain runoff than fishing). I have, however, been bitten at least 10,000 times by the villainous blood suckers.

Yesterday, I found one on my leg that apparently had been there for a little while, and so by the time that I had opportunity to smash it, well, I quite literally had a Rorschach test on my hands.

It made me think of anger and revenge, if you are wondering.

I'll give more information as it presents itself. The trip has been a good time so far, other than the bugs. I have been reminded of a childhood interest in tennis, which, by the way, I am awesome at.

Ah...Friday

I've just got a couple of things to say today, and the first of which is that I don't know how regularly I'm going to be able to post next week as I will be going on vacation to the great state of Minnesota. I'll be staying at some kind of resort with the gf's family; it should be good times.

Secondly, does anybody else here use myspace? Can anybody tell me why there are a plethora (si, a plethora el guapo) of ads with women wearing not very many clothes? Is myspace just a front for huge porn corporation? I am speaking of the dating ***coughcoughescortcough*** service that myspace seems to be promoting pretty heavily. I find myself loggin in and hoping that I don't get fired for looking at porn at work.

And, thirdly, some pictures of fizzball in all of its glory. Be advised that it is less of a sport and more of an act of aggression against cheap soda.

I first present: Joshua "Tater Tots" McGillicutty* in an act of swinging glory.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't tell by the picture, but Josh had been wearing a cape of sorts up until this point. The rest of us opted to cover ourselves with plastic bags, but Josh, an apparent superhero, went with the cape look. So, if you're ever in distess, just start singing, "I Need a Hero," and Josh will come a-running.

The next contender is Austin "The Great Steak" O' Malley*

Wow! Look at that Soda Fly! It was as if he were the Magna Carta and the can was the king's expectation of his own rights and ruling priviledges...or something.

Thirdly, we've got Iain "The Professor" Atog*.

Look at that steadfast determination on his part. No can can stand up to this man, I'm telling you this!

As Blogger will not let me upload any more pictures right now, eveyone will just have to wait for the rest of the pictures, including yours truly smashing cans to bits.

Have a great Memorial Day!

*Names changed to protect the innocent. Also for comedic effect. Austin O' Malley? Now that's comedy.

My Lunch Date with the CEO

So, it turns out that my lunch date with the CEO was largely uneventful, although it was largely delicous. The main foods at the meal were two different types of crustaceans and lamb.

It was held on the top floor of my building in what is apparently the executive dining room, which was tastefully decorated with primarily Asian style artwork (two large pots as well as a huge 2-d wood carving of an Asian village), although there was also a nineteenth century painting of a couple of people by a lake. This didn't necessarily go with the rest of the decor, but I wasn't going to say anything. I mean, there were free crustaceans!

He himself was very personable, and he said that at the beginning of his career that it was his wife that pushed him to go with the company that became our current company. He also spent a lot of time talking about the product that I work with, and so I learned a lot of useful information.

As far as what question I asked, it turns out that they ran out of time before I had to ask one. However, I sent an email around to some friends asking what I should ask, and what follows are some of my favorite responses.

1) What do you think of the assessment that our company has been called the SUV of our type of company?
2) What do you think of Paris Hilton?
3) Do you have pools full of gold coins that you swim in up here, like Scrooge McDuck?
4) If you had to choose between living in a shack for a year or having everyone in the world thinking that you like to eat poo, which would you choose?
5) Do you get brought to work by angels?
5a) If so, would you say that you have been, "Touched by an Angel?" HAHHAHAHAH! Get it?

And that's about it. It was a good time, and it was actually a time that kind of made me start caring a little bit more about the company. This is good, because it will keep me coming to work for at least a couple of days... :-)

The CEO and I

Today I, and every other new hire in the first quarter, get to go up to the top floor of our building and have lunch with our CEO. We were going to get to go have lunch with our COO, but he backed out a couple days ago because he had other business to tend to.

Business more important than me? I think not.

Anyways, the invitation email said to come with a question for the CEO. Now, I don't feel that I can disclose too much information about where I work, but let's just say that we're a Fortune 200 company.

If you were I, what would you ask your CEO? Also, please tell me before lunch time.

May Birthdays

In this office, it seems like everybody has a birthday in May. We have had four or five cakes or flans brought in the last month.

It is the gf's birthday today, and I brought another cake to work today which I anticipate will be delicious.

Hmm...It would seem that it would be in management's best interest to hire people with birthdays more or less randomly distributed throughout the year. I would think that the joy from a birthday would keep people readily working in the jobs that they dislike. With such a high from all of the birthdays at such a close proximity in May, it seems like we will all come crashing down come June.

We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

This Last Weekend

I had the good fortune this last weekend to go home and see a large group of friends who had not been all together in at least two years.

On the drive back, I got to meet with some other friends, two of which are getting married next weekend.

Today, I am relaxed just by having been able to spend some time with those people who, to various degrees, have affected my development into the person that I am, and, most likely, the person I am yet to be.

Also, we got to play Fizzball, which I will chronicle in a subsequent post when I have pictures ready.

Back to the Nonsense

Luckily it seems that we have solved all problems with homeland security and other national problems, and now we can have the FBI devote their time to searching for Jimmy Hoffa's remains.

How fortunate we are!

Top Five Movies from High School: #1--Fight Club

Synopsis: A losery man and his very cool friend start an exclusive club ("The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club. The second rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club."). The club grows into something of a terrorist organization determined not to kill or hurt people, but to free them from the shackles of modern living. Also, they make soap.

Why I Liked This Movie: The acting is superb. The music is fun. There is a huge twist towards the end that will make you watch it even more closely when you watch it again. And again. And again.

Also, as you may have discerned from the title, there is fighting. When you're a high school foot ball player, odds are that you like competition, and one on one fighting is kind of the ultimate sort of competition. In addition, a movie where one on one fighting serves as a means of working through post-modern hubris, well, that's film I can get behind.

I must take this opportunity to point out that although I love this movie, I cannot stand Ultimate Fighting Championship. I saw a clip of that one time where this guy, apparently, dislocated his neck, which meant that the top of his head pointed towards his feet. Yuck.

Why I Didn't Like It: At first, I thought that I wouldn't like it because it starred Brad Pitt, who I, at the time, thought was just another pretty face. However, largely through his excellent performance here, he has grown into being one of my favorite actors.

Why It's on the List: For better or for worse, this movie has probably influenced my thinking more than any other film. This movie was my first glimpse into existentialism, which, in a nutshell, is the realization that much of what goes on in the world is a subjective matter rather than and objective one. The plot twist in this movie seeks to convey (in my mind, at least :) ) that even what we see with our own eyes and feel with our hands can be the most subjective experience of all.

Another thing that this movie presents is the view that we are flawed. Now while Christians call this sin, the conclusion that the movie makes is not to run to a religion, but instead to themselves, from whence all meaning is derived anyway.

These are some of the reasons that this movie is my favorite. Because of the plausibility of the worldviews it presents, I am challenged and encouraged to think about what I believe and why I believe it every time I watch it, and any movie that can cause a person to evaluate everything that they have ever believed about right and wrong and good and evil is a work of art, in my opinion.

As a side note, this movie was released in 1999. Because of everything that goes on in this movie, I seriously doubt that it could even have been made, let alone released, after September 11, 2001. And I further think that had it been released after that, I probably wouldn't have liked it nearly as much.

Top Five Movies from High School: #2--That Thing You Do

Synopsis: A little band from Erie, PA wrties a hugely popular song. This catapults them to being local and, eventually, national celebrities. This movie chronicles their rise and fall.

Why I Liked This Movie: In a smart move on Tom Hanks' part, he plays the song "That Thing You Do" over and over again in this movie. This song epitomizes early sixties rock: it's just fun. It's hard for a person to watch this movie and to not like the song by the end.

In addition, this movie provides scores of quotable lines that make even the most jaded among us crack a smile if we haven't heard them in a while. For example, when asking about when the band would receive copies of their records, and they are answered with the quoting of a Bible verse from Luke, Lenny (the lead guitarist) says, "Luke? Who's Luke? When do we get the records?" That line gets me every time. Also, upon being given a bonus and being asked if he understands what the extra bills on the counter are, Lenny replies, "Presidential flash cards?"

In addition, there is Liv Tyler who is not dressed like an Elf or smoking; this is every high school boy's fantasy.

Further, the drummer, Guy Patterson, ends up with Liv Tyler, which is just the sort of happy ending that you dream of.

Why I Didn't Like It: There's not too much to dislike with this movie. IMDB provides various continuity gaps, but none of that bugs me too much.

Why It's On the List: I, like so many others in high school, have played in a couple of rock bands. I played the bass which means two things: 1) I am the coolest thing since sliced bread, and 2) since everyone else plays guitar, there is quite a demand in high school rock bands for competent bass players.

As I played in bands, had the first three quarters of this movie occurred for any of the bands I was in, I would have been excited beyond the capacity of words to explain. As it was, though, none of the projects got too much further than the garage, although I was fortunate enough to make a couple of cds. Perhaps I will set up links to let the internet world know what we sounded like some point in the future, but as it stands now, I've got to start thinking about what I'm going to write for the number one movie.

Top Five Movies from High School: #3--Night of the Bloody Apes

Synopsis: A doctor's son is horribly ill, and the only thing that can save him is a heart transplant. Oddly enough, there aren't too many people willing to give up their hearts to a mad doctor who operates in his basement. So, the doctor decides to have his people break into a zoo, kidnap an orangutan (not an ape, many apes, or many blood covered apes, mind you: an orangutan), and take the heart from this poor creature to give to his son. Unfortunately, the orangutan's heart works in the boy, but it turns him into a horrible creature that kind of resembles an ape if you squint. Needless to say, mindless carnage ensues. Also, there is a largely unrelated Mexican wrestling sub-plot.

Why I Liked this Movie: Everything about this movie is horrible. There is not one, genuinely redeeming quality in the whole film other than the good time that you can have making fun of it.

Why I didn't Like It: See above.

Why It's on the List: Now I know what you're saying: This movie was made (depending on whom you speak with) either in 1968 or 1972, and as we all know, 1968 or 1972 is not within my high school career. However, a big part of my high school experience was getting together with friends and watching poorly made horror movies and making fun of them, and this was probably my very favorite one to watch because it was so terrible.

The only other movies that can even begin to compare with this movie in terms of sheer awfulness (at least that I've seen) are Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Psychos in Love, and that great horror picture, Slugs. And yes, that last one is about exactly what you think it is.

Watching this movie and movies like it are some of my best memories from high school, and that's why it's on the list.

EDIT: I apologize; when I wrote that Night of the Bloody Apes was number three, I meant that Pride and Prejudice (1995) was number three. My apologies to any people who were confused.

The List Will Continue Tomorrow

Saturday was a very dangerous day to be AC.

One of the very first things that happened to me Saturday morning was my kidnapping. I opened my eyes from my troubled sleep to see two men standing over me. I then have my head covered with a bag and my hands and legs bound with plastic ties. I did struggle a bit, but, oddly enough, it's difficult to breathe with your head inside of a bag. Fortunately for me, though, I am too heavy to be carried, and so my legs had to be unbound so that I could be taken to a van.

Next came about twenty minutes of sliding around the back of said van as well as my realization that my left hand was becoming progressively number. Eventually, we came to a stop, and my hands were unbound, and I was left to sit in the back of the van and think about what I had done. I figured it was a post-modern time out.

Then I was led out of the van, and the bag was yanked off of my head to reveal the blinding light of the sun, and eventually, a friend of mine who currently resides up in Santa Barbara with a video camera saying, effectively, "You've been punk'd!"

I should say at this point, though, that I had a fair idea that some kind of kidnapping was going to go on. Throughout the previous day, the gf kept leaving little clues like, "You'd better get to sleep; it might be an early morning," as well as pointing to vans without windows in the back and saying, "Hmm...kidnapper vans." She did this because she was worried about physical harm to my captors as I told her a couple of months ago that something that would never be funny for me would be to have someone dress up like a zombie and wake me up in the middle of the night. This is largely due to the fact that I am terribly frightened of zombies, and I told her that in the event of the afore mentioned event happening, I would likely beat that someone to death in a dazed and fear-struck state.

Needless to say, with one very large man and one very strong man attacking me in my bed, there wasn't a whole lot I could do to inflict pain upon them.

What followed the release from being kidnapped was a series of clues that led me to various places around San Diego. The first place I went to was the beach to take a shower as there was very little time for such things on that particular morning.

There was a nice shower curtain erected with little rubber duckies in the design. This made me smile while shivering from the super-warm showering amenities that they have at the beach.

As the day went on, I received various presents and surprises, some of which I suspected, others of which I didn't. I thought that the day concluded with a nice dinner at a restaurant, but I was incorrect as when I walked into the gf's apartment afterwards, there was a huge group of people lying in wait to surprise me with a party.

And surprised me they did.

Thanks sweetie and everyone else for putting together just an amazing day for me.

Now, I will also be taking votes on what to do for the gf next year for her birthday. My top choice right now includes a large box, a bucket of fried chicken, and a one way ticket to Azerbaijan. Any thoughts?

Interruption of List: Random Lunch Hour Happenings

I walked over to the bank to make a deposit, and on my way out of the bank, there was a man who was about seventy-five year old caucasian male who was about to walk in. So, as is my habit, I held the door for him, and as he approached, he said,

"It's all right, G, I've got it."

To this, I wanted to reply, "Ain't no big thang, P-Money, I gots ya' back." However, I could only assume that this reply would not be received in the spirit in which it was meant, and so I just walked on.

As I was walking, I passed by an eye glass store, and I glanced at the advertisements in the window, and on one of them, there was a woman wearing glasses who had an un-buttoned business coat on with only a bra underneath. Now, since underwear and glasses go together like peanut butter and jelly or Forrest Gump and Jenny, this made me think that the advertisers had assumed that my reaction would be like this:

When in actuality, it was more like:

Be sure to tune in on Monday for part three of the list. I maybe would have posted over the weekend, but I think the gf has something in store for my birthday, which is apparently to be celebrated tomorrow, but is not actually until Monday.

I'm a little concerned about it, to be honest. She keeps asking me these weird questions like, "If you could do anything over the weekend, what would you do?" and "Just how much heroin do you think that you could take before you overdosed?" I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Top Five Movies from High School: #4--Can't Hardly Wait

Synopsis: Preston (Ethan Embry) is something of a modern day mystic; he associates everything in his life with supernatural causes. For example, he has been in love with Amanda (Jennifer Love Hewitt) ever since the first day that he saw her at school, and this is largely due to the fact that she was enjoying the very same breakfast pastry that he was. Unfortunately for Preston, the school's quarterback talked to her before Preston had the chance to, and Amanda has been going out with the quarterback all four years of high school, and right up until the day that the movie takes place in. Preston, who is going off to some pre-college classes the very next day(because he's a moron) , only has that night to profess his love for her, which just so happens to be the night of the graduation party. How will he express his feelings for her, you ask? The answer is simple: he will give her a letter that he has written and rewritten many times over since his freshman year that explains his feelings for her. Now add to this story a story about a boy named Kenny (Seth Green) who believes himself to be a gangsta' (and who also, inexplicably, got into UCLA), and who is trying to hook up at this party with a story about a group of nerds who are trying to get back the the quarterback who made their high school careers miserable, and you've got yourself comedic gold.

Why I Liked this Movie: There is a point in the movie where Amanda finds Preston's letter, and she walks around trying to find Preston because she is obviously moved by his expressions of appreciation for her. In the course of her wandering, she speaks with two guys who are either idiots or else they are expanding their minds through the use of illegal substances, and she queries them about what Preston looks like. They respond that he has hair and that he wears shirts sometimes. That part sticks out in my mind because it is just hilarious to me that that is the best explanation that two people working in conjunction could come up with for what Preston looks like. The rest of the movie is filled with random humor like that that just makes me want to petition the Motion Picture Academy to reconsider its choice for best movie in 1998 (who even likes Shakespeare in Love? People with two X chromosomes, that's who!).

It should also be noted that Seth Green on the commentary track on the dvd does the first half of his commenting with a British accent, which forces all people watching the commentary to say to themselves, "Wuh? I didn't know he was British? Is 'I didn't know he was British?' even a real question?" However, all three people who listened to the commentary find out the truth halfway through the movie when one of the other people commenting on the movie asks him if he's going to keep up the accent the whole way, and he replies that he won't, and drops back into his normal speaking voice.

Another reason I like it is because of my blind devotion to Ethan Embry due to his appearance in another movie that will be ranked higher than this one on this list.

Also, this movie has one of the nerdy guys mentioned above doing a spectacular job of singing "Paradise City" by Guns & Roses. This sequence is the aural equivalent of watching the video of that star wars kid that is floating around the internet. It is hilarious and strangely riveting.

Why I Didn't Like It: Amanda was played by Jennifer Love Hewitt, and she did a fine job. However, by definition, Jennifer Love Hewitt is neither Katie Holmes or Liv Tyler, both of whom I had big crushes on in high school.

Why It's on the List: One day in high school, a friend of mine (who writes The Martyrdom of Saint Me) couldn't believe that I had not seen this movie, and he insisted on coming over and watching it that very day. Nowadays, although I don't get to talk to him as much as I would like to, I consider him one of my very good friends. Now while we probably would have been friends without watching this movie together, I am unable to think of this movie without reminding myself of how lucky I am to have Saint Me as a friend.

Now I realize that the above section is less about why the movie is on the list and more about why this movie reminds me of my friend, but it's my blog, and I'll let the logic lapse around here when I please. :)

Top Five Movies from High School: #5--Varsity Blues

Synopsis: In Texas, high school football is everything, unless you (James Van Der Beek) are the second string quarterback with dreams of a different life as well as a cynical outlook on the life you currently live. It doesn't help that you possess some natural skills for football, and that because of that, your father is always pushing you to do more with football. You are looking forward to a different existence in college. Unfortunately for you, the starting quarterback suffers a season ending injury, and so you have to step up and take over leadership for the team.

Although unhappy at first, you notice that there are certain perks to being the local football star, such as certain former starting quarterback's girlfriends suddenly being very attracted to you. Also, you start to not have to pay for hamburgers. However, the downright cruelty of the coaches, particularly the head coach (Jon Voight) reminds you that there is more to life than football. At half time of the big game, you and your teammates stand up to the coach, and the original QB takes over coaching for the second half. Everyone learns a lesson about respecting ourselves and others.

Why I liked this movie: Because I played football myself in high school, MTV Films had my attention just as easy as a hot dog fits in a bun. I love football movies. I also may as well admit that certain of the licentious aspects of the movie made me wish that I myself were a football star. I would say that it made me want to be a better person, but that's not true: I just wanted to be licentious.

Why I didn't Like It: First, Dawson was there, but where was Joey? I had a big crush on Katie Holmes in high school, and if she would have been in this movie, this may have been number one on this list. It also doesn't rank higher because my senior year in high school, we had a decent football team, but we had a terrific running back. He was as fast as the realization of a word misspoken. To give you an idea of how good he was, in our first game, he scored seven touchdowns, which even beats Al Bundy's assertion that he scored four touchdowns in one game. So, the point that I'm trying to get at is that our guy was better than a gross and possibly lying fictional character. Unfortunately for our football team, that running back saw this film, and it made such an impression on him that he started thinking the same things about our coaches that the players in the movie thought about their coaches (namely that they were trying to gain glory for themselves through us). In short, he quit the team, and, due to emotions and confusion about our loss, we couldn't ever get our act together for the rest of the season. Apparently this happened to a lot of teams that year as our coach said that he was reading about how many football teams were being afflicted by the so-called "Varsity Blues" syndrome.

Why It's On the List: It doesn't happen all the time, but about once a month or so, I day dream about playing football again. This is primarily because I wish that I were still some kind of athlete. In these day dreams, I remember my senior year in particular because I am reminded that that was the year that a team that I was an integral part of a team that could have gone all the way to win the state championship, but because of forces outside of my control, in my mind largely due to this movie, the team and I were unable to reach that goal. This movie reminds me of the futility that we all sometimes feel in this life, and it reminds me in particular about how I am not big enough to solve every problem.

With number five of the list done, ladies and gentlemen, please feel free to leave your guesses for what tomorrow's movie will be at the email address provided below. I believe that this list will be only from the years 1996-2000 (aka my high school career), but don't hold me to that as I may be lying. Also, I once scored fifteen touchdowns in one game.

Things You Didn't Ever Want to Know About Me

After months and months of not being able to take care of a customer of mine, I was finally able to service them (which sounds really bad, I know). This made me very happy. Let's just say that it made me so happy that when the spreadsheet equalled out to the penny (and it was in the neighborhood of a fifth of a million), I alternately wanted to cry and defecate in my pants, which I figure has got to be the very opposite of angst.

Now, about the top five list. I will not announce the topic yet as I am a spiteful person like that. However, what I will announce is that there will be a contest to go along with the list, and the winner will receive some free schwag that is oriented towards this website, or else they can take me out to dinner because not everybody is a nerd like me and enjoys getting obscure gifts, but everybody enjoys my company.

With that in mind, these are your rules.

1) For each day that the contest goes on, you can guess what the next item is that I will be selecting for the list. Guesses should be sent to analystcatalyst at gmail.com.

2) The person with the most correct guesses, wins!

3) Much like the Highlander, there can only be one winner.

That is all. You may now resume with your regularly scheduled programming.

This Just In

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Be prepared in the coming days for a top 5 list.

What will it be about? Are there monetary ramifications for you or your family? Will you even care?

You'll have to tune in to see.

AC

This Is the Part Where I Jump on the Bandwagon

As you may or may not know, Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants has hit a whole bunch of home runs. A lot of people think that he hit so many because he was on steroids for at least part of his career, although nothing has been proven yet. These home runs are a big deal right now because he is so close to reaching Babe Ruth's landmark achievement of 714 home runs, which is not the record (755 by Hank Aaron), but it's a whole lot.

Now, people are not excited about him overtaking any kind of record because Barry is not what you would call a likable guy, and by that I mean that the only people who seem to like are the San Francisco fans, and they only like him because of the vital role he plays for their offense. This was only proven the other day when he refused to sign the ball that he hit for his 713th home run for an enlisted serviceman. The article states that Bonds later took a picture with the man, but he still refused to sign the ball.

Why would you do this? It seems to me that if I were disliked as much as he is, I would make it a point to do things to better my image in the public eye, especially if that were as easy as signing a baseball.

This is why people are torn about him. We as a nation love to see people achieve extraordinary things because it makes us dream that we too can someday do something incredible. Unfortunately, by getting there through use of an illegal substance and just by being an all-around jerk, it's making it really hard for most baseball fans to appreciate his great talents and skills.

Bonds could draw comparisons to Muhammed Ali, who is regarded as an iconic figure in the world of sports, in that both believe that they are/were the greatest. However, whether people loved or hated Ali, they could always respect him, which is something that Barry Bonds will never have going for him again.

Attendance

I figured that there would be a little "soft shoe" style dancing going on in the role of Snoopy, but I apparently have a thirty-two bar dance break. For anyone who doesn't know much about music, the above references how many establishments of ill repute the audience will want to visit after seeing me dance.

When I first realized this, my reaction was very similar to what is pictured below.

Let's just hope that this will not affect attendance...

Law and Order

Why does Law and Order feel like I want to watch it for an hour, only to be left without a specific and clear cut ending?

If I wanted to be mentally enriched, I would go see a Mamet play, watch an Audray Tautou movie, or read Ulysses.

YOU ARE A TELEVISION SHOW! GET OVER YOURSELF! I am supposed to leave you just as empty-headed as I came to you.

*Smacks Law and Order on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad tv show! Bad!

Random

I know it makes me weird. It makes me weird, and I am powerless to change. Are you ready for what I am about to reveal?

I absolutely hate the "time's up" beeping of a microwave. I will go out of my way in order to push the button to open the door with one second left on the timer. Why is this? I really don't know. This is a part of myself that at once fascinates and repulses me.

It should also be noted that I am not a big fan of cell phone rings, either. My phone is just about always on silent unless I know for a fact that I will be receiving an important phone call in the near future.

Perhaps life as a music major has sensitized my ears to noise? Or, my propensity towards music has sensitized my ears towards cacophony in general? I suspect that it is the second option because even as a child, I would rush towards the microwave as it counted down those last few seconds.

That's about it for today. I imagine everybody has mundane things that bother them as well. What are some of yours?

Awesome

My boss just taught me something vitally vital to doing my job.

It's euphoric being able to do what you're supposed to.

A Protest I Could Get Behind

Apparently, a man was fired for smirking after his boss said that he had just been granted new legal powers to have a greater control over firing employees. Another employee was fired for trying to defend the first, and a third employee was fired for missing the meeting due to an illness.

And three hundred of their co-workers walked off of the job to protest, and all three of them were re-hired.

Good for them.

Also, right after Washington says that they were going to investigate just how much of a shortage there is in the supply of oil, the oil companies find some reserves that they had forgotten about. Due to increased supply, oil drops nearly two dollars a barrel.

Now, I'm not gonna judge. In fact, if I had a commodity that could be worth more just by my saying that I didn't have any more of it to give, I may have a hard time not saying that. However, when you are threatened by the government, and you immediately find reserves that you didn't have before, it's pretty obvious that you're a big fat liar.

I'm just saying, if you're going to lie, you've got to cover your tracks a little better than that.

With Monday in Mind

My friend Saint Me made an interesting post about Monday's boycott of work by immigrants. He said that if they really wanted to make a statement about how much our economy would miss them, they should walk out for more than one day.

I think he's right. In watching the news over the last couple of days, all of the employers have been very supportive (especially McDonalds) of their workers' right to protest. I wonder, however, how many of these businesses would have been as supportive had the walk out gone on for two or three days, or even a week. I have to believe that there would have been some unhappy rich folk on the news, and probably a fair amount of firings as well as attempts to hire new workers.

This leads me to believe that the reason that the owners could take the camera opportunity to say that they supported their workers is because they knew that their companies would be able to get by just fine with only a partial single day's earnings.

It would also seem to make sense that the reason that the walk out could not go on longer is because the workers could probably not afford to lose more than a day's wages, especially with there likely not being a very good union for illegal immigrants. That last bit may seem harsh, but I know that I would have a hard time going without a day's pay.

So, if you'll spare me a possible jump in logic, perhaps Monday's walk out proved just the opposite of what it was intended to prove. Perhaps the U.S. macroeconomy would get along just fine without illegal labor, but the alien's microeconomy just couldn't.

But what do y'all think, my four or five steady readers? Or is my reasoning too specious, and unworthy of consideration? :)

A Student

In addition to working my normal nine to five job, I meet, once every two weeks, with a voice student. This person has made great improvements since when I first started teaching her, and it gives me great joy and personal satisfaction to be able to do anything at all with my degree.

But most of all, it reminds me that I can do what I love and make money at it if only I give it a shot.

As each day at the office goes by with the stresses that accompany it, I know that there is a better way. I'm not quite ready to take that leap of faith just yet, but it is comforting to know that it is there.

This Will Sound Terrible, but

I wonder how many people's commute to work this morning was much less stressful due to fewer people commuting to work? I am all for non-violent protesting, and, in general, a vested interest in what goes on in this country politically, but it seems to me that this walk-out today may have a different effect than they protestors were going for. In fact, according to a poll at Yahoo!, something like fifty-seven percent of Americans think that the protest today will harm the immigrants' cause more than help it.

I will be interested in the coming days and weeks to see the ramifications of today's events.

I am not entirely well-educated on the subject enough to come to a formal conclusion on the matter just yet, but it seems to me that the people who are doing, arguably, some of the worst and dirtiest jobs that a person can have in this country, deserve, at least, a hearty helping of understanding and compassion, if not the minimum wage that any legal citizen would make for doing the same jobs.

On the topic of jobs, it can be argued that illegal aliens are taking all of this country's jobs, and, to an extent, this may be true in that there are an estimated eleven and a half to twelve million illegal aliens in this country. However, I have to assume that these people are the ones who are working as our janitors, field workers, and other low paying jobs. It's not like they're coming here and taking CEO and excutive jobs; they're probably not even taking other "good" jobs. If we want to point fingers about taking away jobs that Americans could do, we should point to the companies who make me talk to someone in India when I have a problem with my cell phone.

I'm just saying that the crux of the issue (the House of Reps passing a bill that would make being an illegal alien into a felony) seems a bit harsh for the people who are working to serve most of us every day.

That being said, obviously something's not right with immigration in the U.S., and tougher legislation may be part of the solution, but I don't think that it's the only solution. I think that we forget in our hubris that if the situation were reversed, that is, if Mexico had a terrifically booming economy and America were a poor nation, that many of us would probably do whatever it took to get to Mexico and secure better lives for ourselves and our families. It is at this point that I must make note of the most obvious point in the whole argument: that all of our families immigrated here at some time in the past. At the end of the day, we are all people, and that is something that we all need to remember when we are deciding how to treat a group of people less fortunate than we are.

As a footnote for those of my readers who are Christians, we also need to remember that throughout the Old Testament believers were told time and time again to protect and take care of three very specific groups of people: the widows, the orphans, and the aliens. Dispensations and other theological arguments aside, how are we achieving this by pushing them away?

The Best of Both Worlds

I talked with the folks at CCT, and they said that we could make it work so that I can do both SNOOPY!!! and Godspell, which was kind of the BEST AND MOST FREAKING AWESOME POSSIBLE OUTCOME I could have imagined.

It is unfortunate that I don't get to work with the other director, but I'm really excited about how possibilities have changed into realities.

Also, my mind and emotions have been ablaze since Thursday night trying to figure all this stuff out, so now that it is finalized, it's almost like my mind, body, and spirit just crashed. Seriously, I'm suddenly exhausted, and this is the only reason that I can see for explanation.

Thanks to all for the advice, and I could not be happier with how it turned out.

Wicked

So the gf and I were trying to get seats to Wicked this morning as this was the first day that tickets were available. It should also be noted that the ticketing office is right next door to a large hall that is the site for various events, including governmental ceremonies. It should also be noted that, luckily, our office building is right next to the ticketing office.

Because our office building is so close, the gf and I were tag-teaming the line-waiting. When it was my turn to go and wait for a while, I left the office and headed over there, and as I was walking out of the building, two people who work for my company in a different department were noticing the line of people waiting and were trying to figure out what it was.

As I passed, the suggestion that I heard was, "Are they having an immigration ceremony today?"

Right. A line that at least half caucasian people is obviously the line for an immigration ceremony, especially if it takes place in San Diego. We have a HUGE influx of people from Northern Europe who want to live here. HUGE.

An Update

I have been formally offered the parts of Max and John the Baptist, though not necessarily both.

Blah blah blah standing on a precipice blah blah blah big decisions to make blah blah blah uniquely marvelous position to be in blah blah blah.

Carry on with your days.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love my Life

Gentle readers (or even the more forceful ones), I have a pretty good idea what I'm going to do about the situation that I am in, but I would like to have your feedback as well.

I have auditioned for three theatre groups in the area for a combined total of seven shows.

The first theatre had the show that I was most hoping to get into, Urinetown, as well as two other shows. However, as it has been over a week, and I have received no word from them, I am not exactly feeling the most positive about my chances. In fact, were you to take your mouth, and put it on an exposed piece of skin and blow, and thereby make a "raspberry" sound, that sound would be kind of how I feel about my chances. This would have been a paying job with a semi-prestigious theatre.

The second theatre group called me back for the part of Max in The Sound of Music, John the Baptist or Judas or some other featured soloist for Godspell, and as a chorus member in one other show. I have played Max before, and the part kind of fits me, but I'm not overly excited about the prospect given my other opportunities. I have never been in Godspell, but either of the named parts plays an important and exciting role in the show, as well as having at least one really great song. This theatre group is fairly well recognized in the area and they usually do pretty good work, but they don't seem to be as well respected in the theatre community here. A plus to doing a show here is that the theatre is huge, and so it would be a great opportunity to shine in front of a lot of people; a minus is that it is not paying.

The last theatre group is doing a production of SNOOPY!!! (yes, it has three exclamation marks after it, don't ask me why. It should be noted, however, that one of the scores had it listed with only two exclamation marks. Come on, people! Are we really, really excited about the dog, or just really excited?). I saw this audition a month ago, and I was excited, because after a couple of years of not getting the roles that you want due to typecasting, you become enthralled when you could be typecast for something. As I am somewhat overweight and have a bald head, I believe Charlie Brown is one of the few characters in musical theatre that I really fit the bill for. This theatre is small, but it is gorgeously brand spanking new, and I would receive a stipend for the show. The stipend is not very large, but I think everyone can agree that it is wonderful to get paid for what you love to do.

Now, this is my dilemma. The directors of both Godspell and The Sound of Music apparently love me for the parts that I mentioned above. I have not heard any definite offers from them, but from what one of the directors told me, they would rather offer me both the parts over the phone on Friday and then make me decide than to decide themselves. I am pretty confident that they will offer me Max, and about seventy percent confident that they will offer me either John or Judas. The big problem that would keep me from getting cast in Godspell is my aforementioned lack of dancing skill and the fact that I have to go to a more advanced dance call back tonight for this show. In my favor is that word is that certain of the lead singers don't necessarily have to dance.

As far as Snoopy!!!, I talked with the director last night at call backs about the possibility of the other shows, and he thanked me for my forthrightness. He then proceeded to email me within three hours of the end of call backs (aka 12:30 a.m.) and offer me the part of Snoopy, which is, in fact, an even better part than Charlie Brown because it has three or four terrific and fun songs. I would also be receiving the largest of the monetary stipends for the show.

My dilemma is compounded by the fact that if I did get cast in Urinetown, I'd have a hard time even turning chorus down because I love the show so much. You may refer to this as the wild card option.

My number one choice is Urinetown, but I don't think that it's likely I'll get cast. My number two choice is John in Godspell, but that is followed very closely by Snoopy because it's such a good part. I also really want to work with the director for The Sound of Music because I am interested in seeing her directing style.

It will be very difficult to do both Godspell and Snoopy!!! because performances of the latter overlap with rehearsals for the former. It is possible to do both, but only if I could skip or only go to rehearsals for part of the time and then run off to a performance. It would be impossible to do Sound of Music with either of them. It will also be impossible to do Godspell and Urinetown, although I could do Snoopy!!! or The Sound of Music and Urinetown quite easily.

A disclaimer: I really hope all of this doesn't come off as arrogant, because that's not my intent.

So, with all of that in mind, does anybody have any suggestions?

Well,

After at least a month of waiting after submitting my little blog, I was finally reviewed over at italk2much.com.

You may click the link if you like, but rest assured, it's not favorable.

I expected to get knocked for the lime green template; I know that they hate those, but I expected my content to earn myself some points.

Instead, I am told that I have "an inability to reliably string thoughts together in a manner that is logical to the outside observer." This kinda makes me think that he didn't really read it, but more just hated the template and glanced at my blog for other reasons to hate it.

Although, for the record, this is the criticism that I receive most from my girlfriend. That is, I'll start a conversation, and then be two or three steps further down the conversation trail, and respond from that vantage point, as opposed to where any reasonable person would assume that we were. I will take this under consideration.

I believe that my only possible retort is put best by that scholar of our times, Ralph Wiggum: "Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

In News Only a Music Major Could Find Interesting...

Some scholars believe that Mrs. Bach wrote some of the music that J.S. Bach has gotten credit for. The article says that at least one person who thinks this said that some of Bach's pieces just seemed to lack the genius of most of his other pieces.

In response, the long dead Mrs. Bach said, "Hey! Get off my Bach!"

See, it's funny because it's like back...never mind.

But seriously, this is huge. This is like finding out that a baseball player who may overtake the all-time home run record did so with the aid of illegal substances, or that a scientist who worked to clone a dog in Korea didn't actually clone the dog. This will shake the world of music to its core; well, at least for the three of us that care about two hundred and fifty years dead composers.

This Guy

This man is my hero, in only the way a man who has majored or minored in women's studies can be my hero.

Seriously, he's been in college since 1994, and he is only planning on leaving now because he is out of money because of a new law that charges people who have thirty units more than they need to graduate a higher tuition.

I wanna go back to school. Sigh.

Fascinating

VP Dick Cheney is getting a tax refund. A big one.

This next bit is the part where I lose most of my readers.

I'm something of a closet liberal; there, I've said it. And by that I mean, that I've read and seen most of what Michael Moore has to say, and I think the man makes some good points. I don't agree with everything he says, but I'm glad that there's somebody saying it.

Now, in one of his books, he informed me that there was an actual form from the IRS that people fill out when their income tax refund was going to be larger than a million dollars. I scoffed at first, but then I realized his point: if the IRS has made a specific form for people getting that large of a refund, it must happen quite a bit. I had never heard of anyone in specific getting this, but now I have.

Now, in the VP's defense, the reason that he is getting such a large return is because he donated something like six and a half million dollars to various charities.

This next bit is the part of this post that I lose the rest of my readers.

I'm something of a closet conservative, and it is evidenced thusly: I would one day like to make so much money that I get a $1.9 million dollar income tax return.

So, Mr. Cheney, I am appalled/envious of your achievements in the world of income tax returns. I would like to be just like/nothing like you.

Another Day in Paradise

I complain from time to time about my job; this should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this page. I don't think that this is the most upright thing that I can be doing concerning my current situation, but I think that, for right now, it's okay because it reminds me what my true dreams and aspirations are. In working here, I am fully taking advantage of the fact that everything is permissable, and I'll even go so far as to say that my working here is advisable given some unfortunate monetary decisions of the past couple of years.

However, this whole job would be worthless if I couldn't find some joy in it. I think that that's part of the reason why I started this blog; to seek out what my motivations are for being here, to try to make sense of what I'm doing here, and to make people smile at my arduous journey through it all. I believe that, with each post, I am accomplishing this with various degrees of success, and that, with each post, I am able to understand myself through the concrete form of written communication versus the abstract form of human thought, because despite the similarities between the two, by actually having written them instead of just thinking them, my thoughts become a physical part of me that I, and others, can then understand.

Writing also aids my perspective. Though I am certainly discontent with my current occupation, the fact that I will not let myself be here forever gives me happiness. When things are rough, I rest in the notion that, unlike those whose whole careers are encapsulated in what they accomplish today, the rest of my life has little bearing on what I do work-wise today. My accomplishments at home practicing are much more valuable to me than anything here.

So how then do I live? Do I do everything at work as poorly as I can? Logically, if I don't care about being here, why then do well?

The answer is that throughout the rest of my life, I will be presented with tasks that I could give a flying flip about. If I choose to do poorly now (as funny as I think it would be to be fired for gross incompetence), doing poorly will then be my first choice for how to act in similar circumstances for the rest of my life. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is not how I want my tiny smudge on the timeline of human events to look.

*Exhale* I apologize for this ideological tirade. We will resume regularly scheduled programming with the next post.

Thinking in Ohio

To be sure, most of the blogs that I check out regularly are pretty much fluff. I'm generally looking for somebody to make me laugh or smile on my breaks from work. It helps me get through the day.

But one day, I was sitting at home, and clicking that button up in the top right portion of the page that says, "Next Blog," and I happened upon a page with the title of "Thinking in Ohio." I thought to myself, "I like thinking, and while I do not live there, I am largely ambivalent towards the midwest. I shall have to give this one a read-through."

And I did. And what I saw there was a man who was grappling with some of the weightier concepts of trying to live as a Christian, as well as a man who was trying to honestly make sense of life. I was compelled to go back frequently, and I think that, no matter what you believe, if you like to read about a person trying to put it all together, you will find yourself going back frequently as well.

I will offer a disclaimer, though. When you go there, in one of his recent posts you will find him offering me very gracious praise. I just want everybody to know that yesterday, before he posted that, I was thinking to myself, "Man, I really like that site. I need to write something in my blog about him so that all three or four people who come to my blog will go and see the goodness over there." Sadly (or, I guess, happily), he, unbeknownst to me, beat me to the punch, and now it may just look less like I am offering him honest praise.

You'll just have to take my word for it that this is not the case; he produces quality work, and I'm looking forward to getting to know him little by little through his posts and our comments to each other.

That's all. Go there.

In Case Anyone Hasn't Heard...

Cruise to Eat Nutritious Placenta

Hollywood actor and Scientologist Tom Cruise is planning to eat Katie Holmes' placenta.

It is the latest in a series of strange revelations by the 43-year-old 'Mission: Impossible' star about the child he is expecting with fiancée Katie Holmes.

Cruise told GQ magazine: "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there."

Cruise has also claimed he knew that Katie Holmes was pregnant before she told him.

He has also defended the Scientology belief that women should give birth in silence.

"It's really about respecting the woman. It's not about her not screaming," he told GQ.

Cruise plans to marry 27-year-old Holmes in the summer. He said earlier this month that their baby was due "any day now".

Now, as we all know, eskimos used to, and, as far as I know, still eat the placenta of their young. This is because childbirth is a very difficult thing to go through, and the mothers need the protein that is in the placenta in order to survive.

Therefore,


=



It is important to note that this has been my working hypothesis all along, namely that Tom Cruise is actually an eskimo woman. It was nice of him to let us in on the secret. Don't worry, Tom, your secret is safe with us.

P.s.: Tom, if you ever really do read this, it's not that I dislike you, it's just that I am a fair-weather friend. You are probably a pretty reasonable guy, what with having been in all of the cool movies that you've been in, and despite some of your questionable movie choices. What I mean is, when I am held up to media scrutiny, and a friend of yours insists that you post about me on your blog in a comical fashion, I would expect nothing less.

Love, your pal,

Analyst Catalyst

A Hypothetical

Let's say that you have had a project hanging over your head for a customer since December. Let's also say that there was something wrong with the way things were set up on your side of things since December, so you haven't been able to complete this project for the customer as of yet.

Let's say this customer sells apples.

Now let's say that you are so close to finishing this project for the customer that sells apples, that you can almost taste it, but there are a couple of variables for the project that you are unsure of.

Now, let's say that you email a coworker who has worked with this customer who sells apples before to try to figure it out. Because he has helped you before, you assume that he will again help explain to you what the issue is. Now let's say that he calls you back, after receiving your email, to say, "I don't mean to offend you, but I don't want to look at anything that has to do with the customer that sells f#$%ing apples any more today."

Let's say you take that under advisement, and you wish him a good day.

Now let's say that you speak with the person who trained you for your position servicing the customer who sells apples, and you ask her to clarify. You even send her a spreadsheet that she had already received in the hopes that she would be able to help you. You are sure to mark in the subject line that this spreadsheet is about the customer who sells apples.

Now, let's say that she writes you back and says that the spreadsheet does look funny for the customer who sells ORANGES, and that you should talk with your boss for clarification.

Now, hypothetically, with a maximum of 18, from how many stories up do you throw yourself from the window of your office building?

Ah, Thursday

For my money, Thursday is one of the best days of the work-week.

Monday and Tuesday I find myself wallowing in the depression of the "This is really what I do?" attitude. These two days are the hardest grind of the week, because Friday seems so far away.

Wednesday is the apex of the week, or the hump if you will. You know once you get past today, it'll all be down-hill, but getting past Wednesday is the tricky part because you are equidistant from the weekend: it's three days back and three days ahead. This is the day, more than any other day that you can't remember what your life was like before you were, er, encouraged by society to go out and make a living.

Friday is a good day, because you are on the last step before freedom. However, I often find that Friday becomes overshadowed by having to consider which "restful" things I will be doing on the weekend with all of your hard earned cash. You also can't really get a whole lot of work done because you can taste the liberty sandwich that you are about to consume.

But Thursday, the world is alive. You know that you're close to the end, and so you can take a deep breathe, relax, and know that all is closer to being right with the world.

Sigh.

Gas

I have heard reports that gasoline will be up to $5.00 come summer. I thought that that was a ridiculous number, even though gas is back up a $3.00 a gallon down here in San Diego.

However, the above prophecy may come to pass. Consider this gas station in New York; gas is up to $4.50. So at least we in California have something to be thankful for, in addition to the terrific weather, proximity to anything we could want, and the many other perks of living here.

I wonder if I can convince my boss into setting up a cot in my cubicle so that I can save on gas during the work week. Maybe I'll make him an offer he can't refuse...

Hmm...but that's assuming he likes parfait. According to a popular cartoon, even ogres like parfait, but what if my boss doesn't?

I know! I'll offer him gold dubloons! Now, all I need to do is find sunken treasure from a pirate ship. Who doesn't like sixteenth century Spanish gold?

Genius.

Two Things

First, a comic from a wonderfully funny website: explosm.net.


Secondly, I am amazed at how well Netflix works. My roommate subscribes to this service, and he gets three or four new movies a week.

Let me just say that I, at first, thought that Netflix was a dumb concept. That is, why would I want to wait two or three days to get the movies I want, when I could go down to Blockbuster and get whatever I wanted the same day? However, in my analysis, I had forgotten a deeply engrained truth in American culture: people like to get mail.

I myself like to get mail so much, that even when I fail to get advertisements that I don't want, I leave my mail box feeling disappointed. If it's been a rough day, it's even worse. It's like, "Not even people that want my money want to communicate with me today." However, when you get movies via mail, you get a sense of self-worth (ridiculous as that may be) and, well, movies.

However, on the flip side of the coin, Blockbuster online is supposed to be pretty sweet too, in that they give you a free coupon every so often to go in and get a movie.

What say you, the reading populace? Have you tried either of these services? What are your opinions?

Also, this is officially my hundredth post. Huzzah!

An Update

Yesterday I wrote and said that I was not looking forward to the diversity training.

Let me just say how calloused and unenlightened I was in my young age! It wasn't until I got there, and the presenter started talking about how we all just need to be respected that the scales fell from my eyes, and I was no longer blinded by my own prejudices.

In reality, though, it wasn't all that bad. Although most of it was common sense (don't tell a pregnant woman that she needs something that beeps when she's walking in reverse and don't make comparisons about your coworker to Willy, the whale who needed to be freed, if he's overweight [apparently it's okay if he's a regular weight]), it was actually a kind of enjoyable time.

The presenter had me at her joke about how this sexual harassment course was not a course to learn how to sexually harass better. What can I say? Curse this bleeding heart!

Training Day

Today is the day that the new hires get to go to meetings all day to learn about the benefits of working for the company that we work for. We learned about the intranet and our insurance options and so forth. The day will culminate with a riveting discussion about celebrating diversity.

Now, while I don't have any problem with diversity, let's just say that I am about as diverse as a white guy in a cracker factory...oops, what I meant to say was that I am about as diverse as a cracker in a white guy factory.

Hmm...Probably neither of those above statement are kosher. I'll have to keep those to myself until next kwanzaa when I pull out my four leaf clover, eat some borscht and sauerkraut, and pray to my elephant-looking, many-armed deity to save the whales and emasculate the men.

But seriously, I'm not looking forward to the hour between two and three this afternoon; from what I've heard from those who have gone through this orientation before me, this is the most boring part of the day.

Oh well. At least I've got another call-back to go to tonight, and after that I'll be able to stop wondering if "call-back" should be hyphenated. Well, I guess that I can still wonder; I just won't have to type it as often.

Call Backs Last Night

This last evening, I had the priviledge, nay, the honor of going to call-backs for Jesus Christ Superstar. It's pretty exciting because I enjoy the show and the music, although pieces of it are difficult to swallow theologically.

Anyhow, I was called back for one of the priests. They herded us all onto the stage, and made us sing twelve measures of one of the priest's songs. I think I did pretty well, and the director made some mention about the part Annas with me in the same sentence, so we'll see how that works out.

Life is alive with possibilities.

In other news, I was walking downtown the other day, and a fire trunk went made a screaming turn down the street I needed to walk to to get back to work. I kept my same route, and came upon the fire truck stopped, with no fire in sight, and I couldn't help but think, "Hey buddy, where's the fire?"

...because I'm a horrible, horrible person.

The Opposite of Serendipity

When I came to work this morning, it was very warm; some might even say that it was hot. It was so hot, in fact, that I didn't take my coat with me from the car.

How does the weather turn from that to rain in the space of two hours?

A Sign

I was walking by where our mail boxes are at the apartment complex, and I noticed that someone had put a sign up advertising what things that he would do for money. I should have taken a picture, but I didn't, and so I'll just retype the sign.

"HI! I clean houses and babysitter. My name is XXXX and you can reach me at XXX-XXX-XXXX if you are interested."

The cleaning houses thing I could see him making money at, but who even hires a babysitter that is dirty? And who would want to pay for the cleaning of said babysitter if it showed up dirty? This just seems like an aptitude entirely too specific to make any money at. Now if he said that he cleaned babysitters, that would be a different story, in that oftentimes I see flocks of filthy babysitters walking down the street, and I just wish that there were some way to clean them.

But one...it just doesn't seem cost-effective.

Because I Am a Moron

I believe that I mentioned it here before, but in case I didn't (and in case you didn't know), I shave my head. This becomes a bit tedious at times, but overall, I like the look and I feel like people respond better to me with a shaved head than they do with me just balding.

Now on Tuesday, my sick day, I played a fair amount of PS2, because I'm a nerd like that, and I, at one point, was so disappointed with how I was playing that I took the PS2 controller and hit the edge of the controller up against my forehead. It was a dumb thing to do, and I should have known better, but I didn't hit myself especially hard and so I didn't figure anything bad would come of it. Unfortunately, there is a small divet around the edge of the controller, and this sort of caught my skin, and I am now left with the monument to my stupidity in the form of a crescent shaped scab in the center of my forehead.

I've been telling everybody the truth if they ask about it, but I wanted to ask you, the readers, your opinion. I'm not saying that I would necessarily change my story, but I am curious to see how you would hypothetically respond. Would it save more face if, instead of telling the truth, I claimed that I had cut myself shaving? This would seem a pretty silly blunder, but it would certainly be somewhat less embarrassing than admitting that I had been so upset by a VIDEO GAME that I had mashed the controller against my head.

Also, would it help if I explained that I was playing Madden '06, and I had just thrown an interception that had been run back for a touchdown?

Early for Easter

My mom and my grandma are the best people on earth. After kind of a bummer of a day yesterday, I come home to find that I have a package. I assume at first that it is just something that I ordered off of ebay, but closer inspection shows me that it is an Easter basket in package form complete with a handful of fake grass and all the chocolate I can eat.I also got a new shirt in the mix.

I just wanted to say thanks to my mother and grandmother for brightening my day.

After a Day Being Ill,

I returned to work today, victorious over the forces that sought to keep me from feeling minty fresh, but I was feeling a bit down on myself due to the fact that there was now a mountain of things to do at work. I couldn't help but feel a little behind.

After I got slapped for the aforementioned action, I got back to what I actually meant by that statement, which is to say that I had not accomplished all of the things that I had to do.

However, I remembered something that I had heard yesterday, namely that an italian mafia boss had just been arrested after evading police for forty-three years.

I'm just saying, that number makes our three years of looking for WMDs in Iraq seem a lot more reasonable, and it certainly makes my work being one day later than anticipated seem like a lot less drastic of a situation.

p.s.: I know that was a cheap shot about the WMDs. What can I say? I pander to the masses.

p.p.s.: Doesn't the mob boss look like the devil in the photograph in the link?

p.p.p.s.: Don't the Italian police look like terrorists? If that's what they look like all the time, I can only imagine what humorous situations they must find themselves in.

Because I Didn't Post It Yesterday,

Go here and read this. I would offer analysis, but she found and posted it, so I will leave that to her.

Dance Callbacks

Let me just say that the seven years of dance classes that I took as a kid were apparently completely and totally wasted on me. I drew a cartoon a while back that was making fun of Brent from this season's Apprentice that I believe works just as well for me, and so I will now repost it.

With that image in your minds, I will now proceed to describe dance auditions.

First off, I made sure to get a terrible night's sleep the night before so that I would be sure to be able to give my very best for the call backs, which were at noon on a Sunday. Also, in addition to sleeping poorly, I had to get up early to practice for singing and playing with the band at church of Sunday morning.

All practice and no sleep make A.C. a dull boy.

After church, I drove over to call-backs thinking that I can't imagine the thing would go on for any longer than an hour. I feel so confident in my assumption, that I, even though I am a half hour early, sit and wait in my car with my eyes shut in order to get a bit of rest for what I assumed would be a very difficult hour.

When I finally walk in, I get into what I think is the line, which is four or five people back from the table where they were signing people in, only to realize that the line started in a different room than the one I was in, and it was more likely that I was at least a hundred people back from the table. It turned out that the whole experience took about three hours.

But all of that was fine. I waited. No biggie.

We eventually got called into the theatre from the waiting area, and they asked us if we considered ourselves singers/movers or dancers. Because I really don't consider myself either, I went with the first because it sounded easier.

And it was. They taught us the first routine, which was mostly walking around and box-stepping, which was easy enough because I walk around every day, and the box-step is one of the handful of dance moves in my vast choreographic library. The routine was so easy in fact, that it lulled me into a false sense of security. I thought, "Man, I'm a dancer!", because I think in short excited thoughts like that that have no real substance. They then announced that there was going to be a second routine, and any hopes and dreams that I may have had of a dance career came crashing to the ground like the chandelier does at every performance of Phantom of the Opera: jerkily and not at all believable, which was how I danced the second routine.

Let's just say that when you are asked to perform the dance routine, and the choreographer is not smiling but laughing, it makes you think that maybe, just maybe, you're not the twinkle-toes that you thought that you were.

However, it was still an enjoyable experience. Yes, even though the second dance routine was less a dance routine and more my personal interpretation of the Hindenburg disaster, it was a lot of fun to be dancing and moving and being considered for a part in what I consider to be a pretty good theater company down here in San Diego.

And, even with it going as it went yesterday, I still have call-backs for specific roles in the shows, and so all is not lost. In fact, things are looking up.

SAT Scores

Would you expect anything less from a lawyer named Snodgrass?

This lawyer is suing the company that administers and scores SAT tests because they incorrectly scored several hundred tests.

I don't really have anything of merit to write about this, I just thought it was hilarious that the lawyer's name was Snodgrass, and I'm immature like that.

Nouns into Verbs?

The following is an excerpt from this si.com article.

"After all, it's not like I can claim last Monday didn't work out for me, seeing as how 35 minutes after leaving downtown I was chowing an avocado burrito at Campo's on Pico and 20th in Santa Monica..." (Italics mine)

Are we really going to accept this? I mean, however disgusting a purely avocado burrito would be, that is merely drawing attention away from the fact that the noun chow is being used as a verb. This is ridiculous, and poor English to boot!

However, having said that, I guess I actually empathize with the man in that just this morning I was carring along to work when I was struck with a hunger pang, so I decided that I needed to food. When I was finished fooding, I completed carring to work, where, upon my arrival, I speeched with my boss about some issues related to my work. Upon finalization of speeching, I movemented to my cubicle, and chaired myself up to my desk, where I occupationed until the lunch bell belled, at which point I fooded some more. After lunch, I employmented up until five o-clock, at which point I legworked back to the parking garage and vehicled my way home. All in all, I vocationed well today. Thank goodness that I have workweeked to completion. Luckily I shall be reposing and relaxationing this weekend, otherwise I could never job again on Monday.

Seriously, is that really the language that we want?

Scrabble Calendar Update

"Which name on the list at the right is not an acceptable SCRABBLE word?"

Henry,
Holden,
Helen,
Harry.

Can anyone tell me what the answer is and why? Well, especially the why part since I looked and saw the answer already, so I'm a step ahead of you in that department.

For Those Who Were Waiting with Anticipation

I went to my audition last night that I wrote about a couple of days ago. It was an open audition for the entire summer season, which consists of four shows. I was only interested in three, however, because the fourth show is, I believe, primarily a dance show, and I am not exactly nimble on my feet. In fact, even the thought of me dancing drives grown men to tears, and not in a good way.

In any case, I was called back for the three shows I was interested in: Jesus Christ Superstar, The Wizard of Oz, and Urinetown. I was not called back for huge roles, but the roles I was called back for are decent roles that will be fun to play, assuming I'm cast.

I am giddy with the possibility that life has more to it than this cubicle again. That's all I needed.

An Open Letter to Washington Mutual

Dear Sirs,

When does free checking cease to become free checking? Apparently when your company arbitrarily decides to start charging fees for using ATM machines not at your locations. Now while it would be quite handy for me to use your ATM machines if I, say, lived at your location, this is, unfortunately, not the case. In fact, when I tried to do so, you ran me off with a hose.

When do I lose faith in my banking establishment? When I call about the fees that I have recently started to get, and I get a reply that says that I will be charged three dollars for every time I use a non-Washington Mutual ATM during the month in question, and the fees that I have been charged are in the amounts of four dollars for the month of February and ten dollars for the month of March.

The last time I checked, four and ten were not divisible by three without a remainder, which leads me to believe that I must have used an ATM for only a third of a transaction, with I guess the other two thirds of the transaction being my money being dropped to me by bird and speaking with a teller who was under the impression that her head was a rectal thermometer.

What makes me sad, nay, angry sirs, is that your bank is still probably the best choice in banking, even with your new policy changes leaving me feeling as taken advantage of as a District Attorney would be wherever this sticker is stuck.

In conclusion, thank you for teaching me the value of a dollar again. This is a lesson that I will remember.

Love,

Analyst Catalyst

Fantasy Sports

I signed up for a fantasy baseball team with yahoo through a group of people I've met online at a theatre website. This has got me to thinking, however, that why is it that sports are the only fantasy style game available to us? Why doesn't somebody make up a fantasy media/celebrity game? And by that, I mean, people would get points for how well or how poorly some celebrity does in the media spotlight on any given day.

For example, Tom Cruise is going to be a father: plus twelve points. However, he's unmarried, and his opinions on child birth are kinda scary: negative fifteen points.

Hmm. I suspect that it would just be too difficult to say what were positive points and what were negative points. Dang pluralistic world.

I would just be interested to see how a Pitt/Jolie combo would match up against a Spears/Federline one. I think smart money would be on the Pitts; they have a veritable army of children on their side.

I Don't Intend on Making This All About Sports,

But there were a couple of items in sports news today that I thought were noteworthy here.

One: Steve McNair, the quarterback for the Titans, tried to go to the Titans' building to work out, and he was asked to leave. Now while he may not be the greatest QB anymore, there was a time when this man was one of the best in the game, and to not even let the man into your building after he has been such a great force on your team just seems mean on the part of the team. That's like not letting Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima back into the syrup factory to share their delicious sweetness because they were getting too old. However, even this is more classy than

Two: San Diego fans try to get the juice to Barry Bonds more quickly than he could have gotten it to himself. The fans at the game last night threw a syringe, minus the actual needle, onto the field near Bonds as he was walking by. Now Bonds may be the most hated man in baseball since Ty Cobb, but is that any reason for us to encourage his alleged steroid habit? If you are going to be mean, at least be helpful. Why not throw some literature for Drug Addicts Anonymous? At least then it would be more likely that he would get clean. This brings me to

Three: San Diego won. This means that they are undefeated so far this year. Now, you may argue that they have also only played one game, but at that point I would poke you in the throat with my index and middle fingers and tell you that you had only played one game, and that you had just lost, because I'm violent like that.

Let the jubilation commence.

A sign of the Apocalypse

As has been pointed out elsewhere, at two minutes and three seconds after one in the morning on Wednesday, the complete date and time will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

You've been warned.

Also, I have an audition with a theatre group down here in San Diego on Wednesday night for a show that is one of my very favorites: Urinetown. Now while just about everybody (including a character in the show itself) may concede that this is a terrible title for a show, it's probably the funniest musical that I've ever seen in my life, and that includes Oliver (because being mean to kids is funny).

So come Wednesday night, assuming the Apocalypse has not yet happened (which would be just my luck), wish me well as I give this the old college try, which I assume means getting blindingly drunk while wearing a sweater with a monogrammed letter on it.

Spotlight

So I got conned into running spotlight at the college that I went to for their spring musical. They are doing a production of Little Women, though not the one that was on Broadway last year.

Anyways, I was checking my fantasy baseball on the computer here (because I'm a nerd like that), and all of a sudden I receive an instant message from somebody I don't know because some other person I don't know was signed in on the computer. I was presented with an ethical dilemma: admit that I was not the person that they meant to write to, or else converse with them incognito.

I think we all know which option I went with. I nearly got caught when I assumed that the other person was a student at the school and asked if they were planning on coming to the show, and they responded with, "what? i don't know what your (sic) talking about." To this I responded out loud, "UH," and tried to exit the program, but was unsuccessful in doing so, because I'm a moron and I think that X-ing out of the instant messenger box will sign me out, only to be horrified when a new window opened up with the continued conversation.

In any case, the other person said that they would probably go, and I told him to talk to me the next time he saw me about it. Now that is a conversation that I would love to hear.